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The Percy Piline Column
"No woman genuinely likes swallowing," is the common, disdainful war cry of every wife or girlfriend who thinks that just because she doesn't, the rest of Eve doesn't. "The very thought of it just makes me want to puke!" She cites her tight circle of closest friends, who invariably don't either, as irrefutable proof.
"I bet privately there's at least one who does, or who would at least consider it," counter-attacks the beleaguered male, "but they're afraid to admit it for fear of what the rest of you will think of them."
"Rubbish!" she contemptuously retorts. "Do you remember 'Sex and the City'?"
"Vaguely, but I didn't pay it too much attention," the male tells her. "It was more of a Girl Thing."
"Well you should have. The way they openly talked about sex was so realistic. It's not just you blokes who do it, you know." A sniper's chance arises.
"I seem to recall that the whorish blonde one swallowed; and that she could even tell when it was bad, just from the taste."
"She was a fictitious character," the apple of his eye snaps, either not caring that she's just contradicted herself, or plain simple oblivious to it.
Naturally, there are women who can't lap up enough of the stuff; but unless the male has personal experience of this, his insistence that such women do exist makes no impression at all on his true love. All men know someone who has relaxed himself into a welcoming mouth. In fact, frustratingly to the point of pulling out their hair, men who don't get swallowed all have friends who only have to walk within a 100 metres of a girl and they are magically transformed into contented sows suckling a greedy piglet. Telling the better half this, however, unleases a blistering diatribe about those friends and their habits; followed by a strained sort of pity for the girls, who, opines ol' straight-lace in her infinite wisdom, pretend to enjoy swallowing, but really have deep psychological problems which manifest themselves as low self-esteem.
"They're obviously grateful for any attention a man gives them." Is it really the case that these two different types of girl never ever come into contact with each other?
There is, though, one example on which any male can fall back.
"What about porn stars?"
"They're actresses," she informs him.
"Sorry, darling, but there's acting and there's acting; and there's downright gettin' down and dirty enjoyment of what you're doing!"
"They're very good actresses."
"You only have to look into their eyes, and at how their tongues lash about as their pearly whites get even pearlier, to see that they're really into it." La Belle Femme sighs heavily and looks the male directly in the eye.
"Do you want me to become a porn star?" The first surge of excitement the male has felt since he set off down this rocky path pulsates right through him. He offers her a word of encouragement.
"Er, well you have been unhappy at work recently." Her look says it all; and no, such a career move was never going to happen and he was a fool to have believed, even for the microsecond that he did so, that it was. Correction: there are no examples on which any beleaguered male, anywhere in the world can fall back when it comes to trying to reason with the non-swallower; and at this point, he deems that a change of tactic is called for.